Anima - the hidden side of the soul

 I'm on the phone with my friend Laura when I see HER for the first time. Amidst a group of passengers I stand on the subway platform and wait for the incoming train. When he pulls into the station, stops and the automatic doors open, she walks in front of me and takes a seat in the direction of travel in a double compartment. I find a seat diagonally opposite, with my back to the direction of travel, where I can watch them unobtrusively. When boarding, I could already see that her appearance was noticeably different from the other passengers. About an inch shorter than me, with a flawless figure, she wears a black, knee-length pencil skirt, a pastel-colored blouse with matching scarf, matching, barely-there and subtly patterned stockings, Half-heeled ankle boots and a cream-colored leather jacket. Even from a distance you can see that the leather is very soft and supple, I guess the finest goatskin and feel the desire to touch and examine it.
But what is most striking about the young woman, I guess she is in her mid-twenties, is her hair. In large curls, strawberry blonde with a coppery sheen, they fall to her shoulder length, framing an even face with a fair complexion and a few, barely noticeable freckles on her nose and the cheeks under her eyes.
She takes a magazine out of her shoulder bag, leafs through it and takes no notice of her surroundings. In order not to stare blatantly, I pretend to be reading my newspaper, too, but I can't concentrate on the text and can't help but keep glancing at it out of the corner of my eye.
After a while, the monotonous noise of the subway distracts me from the present and leads my thoughts into a misty maze, I look again in the direction of the stranger.
She is gone! In her place sits an old, carelessly dressed man with a blank stare.
When did she get off? Why didn't I notice that?
I look out of the train window and realize to my shock that I've already traveled three stops past my actual destination.
I get off at the next station, wait a few minutes for the next train in the opposite direction and go back to my missed stop. I remember the phone call with Laura and her order to buy some groceries at the supermarket on the way home.
I arrive home a little late, greet Laura with a kiss and put the groceries on the kitchen table.
"You're late," she says. "Did something happen?"
"No, no, I'm a little embarrassed, but I ran over a couple of stops on the subway because I was too engrossed in a newspaper article," I'm only partially truthful. "I had to drive back and then go shopping."
"Never mind absentminded professor," she teases me. "The main thing is that you found your way home again!"

Laura is starting a three-month summer job at a holiday club tomorrow, leaving me a straw widow, so we decided to make the evening special. After an unusually luxurious dinner, we sit on the couch with a bottle of good red wine and imagine how she is doing at the job and how she will come back. Eventually, after we get in the mood for the rest of the evening with cuddling and caressing, we end up in bed.
Apart from occasional differences of opinion, Laura and I harmonize very well with each other, we both swim on the same wave when it comes to sex. I love feeling her naked body next to me, caressing and kissing her until passion overtakes us. I enjoy the gentle softness of her body, the passion with which she embraces me and the unbridled lust with which she absorbs me.
Also now we have passionate good sex that feels like always.
And yet…
Laura stops abruptly, puts her hands on my shoulders, looks at me and asks,
“What's the matter with you today? You seem lost to me! Is something bothering you?"
"No, everything's OK, I'm just a little sad because I haven't had you with me for three months" I save myself in a white lie.
I love Laura unconditionally and enjoy watching her facial expressions as she approaches her orgasm. But right now I feel kind of guilty and have a bad conscience. Not because of the white lies, which really only serve to protect her feelings, but because while I love her, instead of her face given over to lust, I have in front of me the bright face of the stranger from the subway, framed by red curls!

It takes a lot of mental strength to block out that face and find my way back to Laura. Eventually we both find our satisfaction and we fall asleep, our naked bodies snuggled close together.

The next morning after breakfast I take Laura to the airport, say goodbye to her and drive to the office. Markus, my colleague, best friend and confidante is already there and greets me,
"Good morning, have you already delivered Laura? Was it hard to separate the two lovebirds? Well, maybe you have time now for a beer and a few rounds of billiards?”
During the lunch break I tell him about the encounter with the unknown beauty and ask him if he has seen her before, having partly followed the same route home has.
"No, I've never seen anyone like that here before. But what's the matter, you don't want to give up Laura after all?" he says, puts his hand on my shoulder and adds, "and if so, can I have her?"
We both laugh knowing that I would never leave Laura. I know that deep down Markus is still a little bit in love with Laura and he struggled for a long time with Laura choosing me when we were both courting her. But that doesn't spoil our friendship.
After a few seconds and with a smile on his face, he says,
"But I'll tell you one thing as a friend, if you hurt Laura, I'll beat you up!
" no value on a broken nose!”

Two days later, on the way home on the subway, SHE is back! Due to a technical problem, some trains were canceled and the rush of passengers was correspondingly large. I'm standing in the aisle and holding on to the hand straps on the overhead railing when SHE is pushed past me by the other passengers. The leather jacket is the same, instead of the pencil skirt she wears pants that accentuate the contours of her thighs and buttocks. For a few moments our bodies almost touch and with a hint of an apologetic smile it's over. For a second we make eye contact that makes my heartbeat stagger. I look at her face, at her lips that shine wet with a faintly tinted lip gloss, at expressive eyes, to which the green irises convey a mysterious, gives a feline aura. As I walk by, I notice a light scent of a fresh, flowery perfume that makes a few strings vibrate in me. When SHE is over, I try to hold my briefcase in front of my lap so no one sees my erection.

At each subsequent station I try to see where she gets off, but quickly lose sight of her in the crowd.
My thoughts tormented me for the rest of the drive. Should I have said hello? Should I have spoken to her? But what would I have had to say that would be appropriate in this situation? The usual stupid pick-up lines, which I would never have said anyway, would probably have ruined the moment. Besides, she probably already knows them all. Should I have asked her name? Why am I not thinking about Laura right now?
I'm particularly concerned about the name thing. I want to associate everyone I know with a personal, unique name. I don't know hers, I can't ask her. So what should I do? I can't leave her nameless, so I decide to give her a unique name that only I know. But which one? I listen to myself, let many names pass me by, none of which seem appropriate to me. Suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, I know him. For me she will be called Anima!

The following days I immediately look for Anima when I get back on the subway, but I can never spot her. A feeling of restlessness and anxiety spreads through me. Why isn't she there? Why doesn't my guilt towards Laura prevent me from looking for Anima? Not only on the subway, but also on the street, in the supermarket, in the cafe, everywhere I am.
Three days ago I was sure to see Anima walking in the street. Determined to address her this time, I could only mumble a half-hearted apology when I realized I was addressing a haggard-looking woman with a shopping basket. A never-before-seen resemblance that I thought I recognized in women in chance encounters vanished as soon as I approached them.

Then came the dreams!
My sleep has been restless for a few days and has been interrupted by phases of unconscious half-sleep. This is new to me and I'm wondering what the causes are. I can only find one explanation, I miss Laura sleeping peacefully next to me. I miss the fulfilling sex with Laura before bed. I lie awake thinking about Anima and feeling bad!

After a glass of red wine and a few pages of reading in a long-neglected book by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, I fall asleep.
I don't know what time it is when something wakes me up. The room is dark and quiet, only dimly lit by moonlight. Am I awake, or in an intermediate world between sleep and being awake?
"Hello Robert, did you sleep well?"
That voice, I've never heard it before, but recognize it immediately. I notice a movement at Laura's make-up place. I turn and see her, Anima, sitting there combing her hair. She is sitting here as if it were a matter of course, only in red lace lingerie, tight panties, garter belts with transparent stockings and a breathtaking bra that covers a shapely, medium-sized breast and lets you guess more than it shows.

Do you know in a dream that you are dreaming? My throat is dry, maybe I should have left out the red wine. How does she actually know my name?
"Anima," I address her after clearing my throat, "how did you get here?"
"why do you ask? You called me yourself! Here I am!"
She gets up, stretches a bit and I see her standing in the room half-naked in seductive lingerie and slowly walking towards my bed. I'm desperately fighting to wake up, but Anima doesn't reach my bed.
I wake up with a start from sleep. My heart is pounding, there is a light film of sweat on my skin and I don't know what to do with my erection.

I toss and turn for a long time before I can still get a few hours of sleep, from which I wake up only slightly refreshed the next morning.

I experience the next few days as a recurring déjà vu! During the day I do my work in the office, rather listless than ambitious, on the way I look for anima in every woman and always find only disappointment.
In the evening I fall into bed exhausted and tired to fall into a restless sleep. Every time I wake up after some time in my dream world. Anima is lying next to me in bed, naked except for her panties and lolling lasciviously in bed. The sight of her breasts, the aroused nipples, the gentle curve of her mons venus, the slightly spread thighs drive me crazy.
"Come on, take me and do it to me, you deserve it!" she purrs in my ear.
I fight against the guilty conscience towards Laura, try to free myself from Anima's spell, but lose every time.
I stretch out my arm to Anima, wanting to take off her panties... and reach into emptiness!
As always, I lie alone in bed, helpless, sleepless.

Markus is already noticing my mood swings. "What's the matter with you?" he asks. "Have you ever looked in the mirror? You look like your own ghost!"
"Yes, I know, you're right. I just don't sleep enough lately," I try to explain.
"You know what I think? You just miss Laura. You finally need real, uncomplicated sex again! And it will be a while before she comes back."
He doesn't even know how much he got to the heart of the problem, I can't tell him that either.

Markus' comment has been following me all day and gives me food for thought. What if he really is right? Could this help me detach from the anima that is increasingly dominating my mind and making me suffer?
After long deliberations, weighing up the pros and cons, I made a decision. I want to try whether I can push back Anima's influence on my thinking and feeling with "professional" support.
The next day, I took a day off as a precaution, and after thorough internet research, I stand in front of the discreet entrance to a whorehouse at the other end of town. Still debating whether to go in, I give myself a mental push, take a deep breath, and step inside. I am amazed that the atmosphere in the house is not as uptight and strange as I feared and after a brief orientation I choose one of the ladies present who comes closest to Laura in terms of figure, but of course in no way resembles her personality and follow her to her room.
Exuding a plush, dim charm, the room is obviously very clean and is dominated by a large, modern bed. After completing the "business side" of the campaign and a few words about my preferences and wishes, I get a fresh bath towel and the opportunity to use the adjoining shower cubicle. Then I find myself freshly showered and naked on the bed. The lady, who calls herself Mia, but it's clear that that's not her real name anyway, is lying next to me, dressed in erotic red lingerie, as requested. I relax and put myself unconditionally in her hands. Mia is obviously making an effort to respond to my preferences and skillfully provides me with her service. I asked her for unspectacular girl-friend sex, which for me is the most beautiful. I reject the offensive and aggressive porn hardcore sex as unrealistic and callous. To make a comparison, of course you can't compare the food in a fast food restaurant with a gourmet restaurant, but Mia is really good at what she does! I am amazed that Mia also allows cuddling and kissing, as I was always of the opinion that this was taboo for women in the trade. After an emotional foreplay with mutual oral sex, Mia wraps her thighs around me, opens up to me and I penetrate her. As I'm inside Mia, thrusting her long and deep, I feel her responding to each thrust with her well-trained pelvic floor muscles, a very pleasurable technique that I thoroughly enjoy. At the same time, I notice to my relief that Anima is holding back and cannot be seen. My fear that I will only see Anima again is not true. Mia's pretty face remains Mia, but what bothers me is the guilty conscience towards Laura. I allow myself to be tempted for a moment and in my imagination it is Laura who is lying beneath me. In turn, I find that unfair to Mia, who tries to accommodate my wishes. So I return to Mia and try to please her too. Of course I'm aware that for Mia it's just a business deal with no personal sympathy, but I put that thought aside and let my imagination pass as real this time. Either she's a perfect actress or her emotions on display are real as I slowly pick up the pace and thrust her deeply but soulfully hard, as Laura enjoys the most. Without further thought, we bring our game to a satisfying conclusion, with no anima.

Anima hasn't been seen for two days and I have hope that I can look forward to Laura's return without any worries.

I come back from a long jog in the nearby city park, strip off my sweaty running shorts and shirt, enjoy a hot bath under my rain shower and have a good time.
When I reach for the shower gel for the second time, I feel a movement next to me and know immediately that Anima is standing next to me. I see her gorgeous, naked body and the lather that runs with the water from her breasts, down her stomach and the mons pubis to her vulva and thighs.
“What was that action like the day before yesterday?” she sulks. "Am I not good enough for you? Haven't I offered you everything you wish for? Can't you do it with me anytime you feel like it?”
I feel despair rising inside me and my love for Laura in jeopardy. My testicles hurt and a hard erection makes me uncomfortable.
"Why are you torturing me like that? What have I done to deserve this? Every time I want you, every time I need you, you disappear and leave me alone! Please leave me alone, where are you from anyway? I know you're not even there!"
"Don't you get it yet? I am you, I am in you! I can't leave you, you made me yourself!
And if, as you say, I'm not there, whose hand do you think is helping you masturbate right now?”
I have to hold on to the shower rail so my knees don't buckle and I sink to the floor. I willingly allow Anima's hand to bring me to a redeeming climax.
"Well you see, I'm not as bad as you think" I hear her say. "And it's really up to you how often and how intensely you want to see me. If you don't call me, you won't see me! I don't want to come between you and Laura either. Maybe I can even be of some help to you!”
When I turn off the water, Anima also disappears from my view.

A few days later, Laura comes back from her job. In order to celebrate her return appropriately, I used all my cooking skills to start a long evening.
Late at night, we lie exhausted and repeatedly satisfied, naked and hugged side by side in bed, Laura whispers in my ear,
"Oh man, I had no idea that you missed me so much!"